Lately I’ve been struggling with certain choices I have made. I put so much pressure on myself to try and be “perfect” and make everyone happy. In reality that’s not how life works. Do you know that inner voice inside of your body that always whispers things to you? Well usually I ignore that part of myself. I’m just like, “Nope! Screw your intuition. You know nothing!” And move on with my choices, which ends up disappointing me down the road. I have been learning how important and accurate my intuition is. Yet, even having this knowledge, I still seem to challenge it.
The longer I am sober the more I am learning how important it is for me to trust what my intuition is saying to me. There is a reason for it. In school I learned that your intuition usually knows how it feels about something before your mind does. You should always trust your gut and your initial impulse. For the most part, looking back, if I would have listened to my intuition, I think I would have avoided a lot of pain. It’s funny because I always try and convince myself of working against my intuition. I’m like, “No. That can’t be right,” when in reality it is!
The irony is, I am a super intuitive person and I usually won’t do something unless it feels right. Especially now in sobriety, because I believe in the karma god. And for sure, if I do something that brings up a lot of shame inside of me, I will freak out. So, I have made some choices lately and I do not regret them because they agree with everything going on inside of me. What I am struggling with is how other people view my choices. For some screwed up reason, I still listen to the sick people in my life and take to heart what they say about me.
I have written about it before, that some of the people who were closest to me have hurt me the most. At times it can seem that people usually hurt others when they are hurting. I can wrap my mind around that, but it’s my friggen emotional side that takes it to heart and then I can go into some deep depression, where I am crying because people have attacked my character.
Usually the things that I let affect me are negative things, ones I have thought about myself. But when they are pointed out by someone else it just seems to sting even more. I end up going down this rabbit hole and it takes a while to climb back out.
The most fucked up thing is I usually want to please the people that have hurt me. I’m like, “OMG! You don’t like me?? Let me show you how awesome I am. I promise I can be whatever you need me to be. You will love me as a friend or a partner or whatever.” That is my initial internal dialogue… what I should be saying is, “Fuck you for thinking such negative things about me! I am an awesome person and it’s your loss if you don’t see it.” And then move forward with my life.
It’s crazy to me that I struggle so much with having to prove my worth to someone… okay, yeah. Why would I even want to be friends or date someone who doesn’t see my worth? SO MUCH INSANITY! My intuition knows I need to peace the f… out, but my mind is like no… you won’t meet anyone better. You need to settle and accept being treated this way. Pure craziness!
I wanted to write about this because I feel like a lot of people struggle with some version of that internal battle. My advice is always to go with your gut and don’t second guess it. And those I strive to trust my gut feelings about everything, and everything feels great, then one person will make a comment and my ego comes out and tries to destroy everything I have worked so hard for.
I think it’s so sad how negatively we as people can view ourselves. I know at least in my friends’ group so many people get lost in their own heads and don’t think they aren’t good enough, or worthy enough of certain things, and that’s bullshit. That’s why I think it’s so brutal to invite people into our lives who reaffirm those beliefs because they simply aren’t true. Most important, if you can’t love yourself, how is anyone else suppose to love you?
Everything that surrounds our lives has been primarily created by ourselves. I am learning how important it is to not second guess my choices and to know I have made them for a reason. As long as that reason is healthy -- different story if I make the choice to relapse (my intuition would never guide me to relapse either), that would be my crazy ego. But I hope you get the point I am making. I think it is so important for us to be kind to ourselves and have compassion for what we are going through.
I was in a dark place the other day, and someone who I loved said something negative to me, and I let that impact me into going to a very dangerous place in my mind. That was a choice I made, a dangerous one for sure, but emotions can override good decision making, causing bad choices to rear themselves. I realized that it was my intuition that guided me away from that person for a reason, and by me challenging my intuition, I left the door open for that person’s negative comments to pull me into a bad place.
Being sober isn’t easy, and then life isn’t easy either. But for once, because of sobering up, I am learning who I am and finding my voice and creating the world I want to live in. Life doesn’t need to be as dark as we make it. And it certainly doesn’t need to be as dark as others wish to make it for us. That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Create the life you want, it all lives within you and how you view yourself. You just need to trust your gut feelings and act on your intuition.
“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein